Tears
by TVJunkie1013
Summary: None really. Can be either HawkeyeBJ or HawkeyeTrapper. SLASH!


**Title**: Tears  
**Author**: Lisa M  
**Pairing**: Hawkeye/BJ or Trapper neither is specified, but y'all know my OTP. That's who I was thinking of when I wrote it. Thankfully, neither Trapper nor BJ left a note when they left!  
**Rating**: Corporal  
**Disclaimer**: Nope, don't own anything. Don't sue … no money.  
**Archive**: Anywhere, just let me know.  
**Feedback**: Would be appreciated - good or bad.  
**Spoilers**: Small ones for "The More I See You", "Fallen Idol", "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen" and possibly "Welcome to Korea" if you read this as Hawkeye/Trapper.  
**Summary**: None really.

**A/N**: I tried a different writing style with this fic. It's all dialogue. I'm not sure if it worked, but this fic just wouldn't let go of me until I finished it. Hopefully it's not too difficult to read. If it sucks, I apologize.

This fic is dedicated to Secret Plasures.

* * *

Something is wrong with me. 

_What is it this time? Cancer? Tumor?_

I'm being serious. I really think I have a problem.

_I'm not going to be able to sleep until you talk about this, am I?_

All signs point to no.

_Okay magic eight ball, what's the matter with you?_

I think I'm incapable of crying.

_Don't be silly. You can cry. I've seen you cry._

Well, maybe 'incapable' is the wrong word.

_I'd say definitely._

I'd say be quiet so I can get this out before the sun comes up.

_Sorry. Please go on._

Thank you.

_You're welcome._

I can count the amount of times I've cried in single-digit numbers. I've never made it to ten. Don't you think that's strange?

_Why, do you?_

I'm sure you've cried more than ten times.

_I'm a father, Hawk. It comes with the territory. Children have a tendency to make their parents a little emotional. Especially girls. I've learned that daughters break their father's heart on a regular basis. And that usually brings the waterworks._

Back to me, please.

_What exactly do you want, Hawk? To be a big sobbing mess or something? That's not who you are and I can guarantee that you wouldn't like it too much anyway._

No, I don't want to be like that, but it would be nice if I could show some kind of emotion. Don't you think?

_Maybe. But …_

Wait … before you tell me again that you know I can cry and show emotion, don't, because I know I can. I cried when my mom died. That is actually the first time I can remember it happening. And I cried when my dad died last year. Hell, I even cried in Korea a few times.

_Really?_

Yeah, I did. When Henry died - but everyone cried that day. And there were a few times during sessions with Sidney. That bastard! Making me remember things I'd buried deep inside my head.

_You don't mean that._

Of course I don't. Sidney is a great man, and a wonderful friend.

_Okay, now that we've cleared that up … you've just given me a bunch of examples proving that you aren't, in fact, the great non-crier. You've shed tears, you've sobbed. Problem solved. Let's go to sleep already._

I didn't cry over any of the kids I lost in Korea. Or when Carlye left - twice. Or when Radar got hurt because I convinced him to go into Seoul and get laid. I didn't even cry when the war ended … on the last day in camp … when I knew there was a very good chance I may never see anyone ever again. I had no tears. None. And what I want to know is why?

_Hawk, I honestly don't know. But the war ended ten years ago. Hell, I still had a wife ten years ago._

Don't joke around. I'm being serious here.

_I know that._

Then tell me why?

_None of us cried when we lost boys in the OR, and if someone did, I sure can't remember it. I guess it was just us protecting ourselves from that place. From the blood and the death and the fear. Insulating our precious sanity by hiding behind a wall of jokes and booze so that the pain wouldn't - couldn't get inside. And it was necessary. For all of us. If we had let our guards down and actually felt something, we wouldn't have been able to do our jobs as well as we did. You know that, don't you?_

Yes.

_And Radar. He was an adult, Hawk. As much as no one wanted to believe it and we definitely didn't treat him like one, he was a grown man. Capable of making his own decisions. And he did. It was a choice he made. Maybe you did have some influence on his decision, but ultimately it was Radar who signed out that jeep, and Radar who went on his way to Seoul. Not you. You didn't force those keys into his hands. And when he came back hurt, you fixed him. Took care of him._

Okay then, what about Carlye? From the moment I met her, I thought she and I were soul mates. Why was it so easy for me to let her go, both times without shedding a single tear? I mean, didn't you cry when your wife left?

_No, I didn't. By the time the word 'divorce' entered into our vocabularies, we'd already drifted so far apart that we didn't even know each other any more. When she left, I didn't feel much of anything beyond failure. And in your case, with Carlye … well, maybe somewhere, deep inside of you, you knew she wasn't your future. That you didn't belong together. Fate was telling you to keep your heart open for someone else. And I'd like to think that person was me. After all, if she had stayed, we wouldn't be here, together, right now._

Always the voice of reason.

_Thank you._

You're welcome.

_Anything else? The doctor is still in._

Yes.

_Lay it on me, Dr. Neurotic._

I didn't cry when you left either. Not when I got back to camp and found out that you were gone. Not when I realized that you hadn't left me a note. Not even when I realized that I might never see or touch or kiss you again. Do you have an answer for that?

_Hawk, stop. It doesn't matter._

It does.

_Do you love me?_

Of course I do! You know that I do.

_And I love you. That is what's important. Today. Not yesterday or the day before. Not something that did or didn't happen in a place that is thousands of miles away and so many years in the past. You. Me. Us. That's what matters. Tears or no tears, I don't care. I love you just the way you are. So stop worrying and get into this bed with me. Let's hold each other and kiss and go to sleep. Together._

* * *

_Hawk?_

Um hmmmmmm?

_My chest is wet._

I know.

_Are you crying?_

Yes.

_Why?_

Just shut up and hold me.

The End


End file.
